I have three teenagers and everytime they go thru a difficult time, like failing a class or just being sick, I feel so guilty and disgusted about myself, to the point where I start feeling depressed and sad. I feel like a failure as a mother. Is this normal or am I suffering from a mental problem? I was a single mom until they reached teenage years.
Answer:
hi there, im sorry about the sickness in your family, believe me I know how that is and it can weigh on everyone emotionally too, as well as physically. Just know that you have nothing to feel guilty for, and you are not a failure. It's got to be hard to have the responsibility of raising three kids all on your own, and dealing with heath struggles too.
If they fail a class, they probably feel just as bad as you do, so do your best to just give them a hug and smile and let them know it is ok and maybe if they need some extra help with a class, then that could be worked out.
Difficult times are always going to arise, believe me, we've had ups and downs in our family too, and now that they've moved into the teenage years (it sounds like you may have some help now? i hope so) then family communication and unity with everyone working towards the same things is going to be important.
Try and take a few minutes for yourself each day too, just to either cool off, destress, and regroup. This can even just be in your own room, laying in bed with some soft music for 5-10 minutes.
You kids need you and it sounds like you all have stuck together as a pretty good team so far, if they are sad because they failed a class, give them a hug (haha if hey let you hug them!) and just know there is always tomorrow and there is the next class that maybe everyone can pitch in to help so they can do better next time.
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Figure out what you feel guilty about. There is always a choice to be made when you are feeling guilty.
Face your guilt. Don't block it out; it will only make it worse. Arrange a time of the day to just think about it. Could you have made a better choice? How can you fix it? Spend as much time as it takes to confront the guilt. You will know it when it's done. Don't turn on the TV or computer. Everyone faces their own guilt a different way, so do it your way.
After you think about it, choose a course of action. Do you want to apologize to the person who you offended? Do you want to confess to the person exactly what you did? If you followed step two correctly, you will know what to do.
As a mother, it is our nature to feel this way when we feel our children fail. Even though we want to, we cant do everything. All I can say is to teach ur children the best that u can and help them w/ all you can and know that u have done ur job. Do U feel guilty because you feel you haven't did all u can? Especially being a single parent sometimes u feel more guilty than some. U must understand that part of ur children growing and learning is that their going to fall and must learn to get up on their own. Hope this helps a little...
I do the same thing!
The reason the we feel guilty is because we hold beliefs that we should be able to be "super moms".
You know, be there at all times, for everything and not miss a beat.
When things start to go wrong, or seem like they are going wrong, we feel like failures because we, as moms, are the glue that is suppose to "keep it all together".
But, and this is a big but, these expectations are unrealistic. They are too much, and we are doomed for failure.
It is important to evaluated our personal constructs, values, goals and expectations and make them attainable.
Do this, and you will lessen the amount of guilt you feel.
You have to understand that as a parent you make mistakes, but you have raised your children as well as you can. Now they are becoming responsible for their own actions. Even an almost perfect parent can end up having kids with real problems. Guilt is a poison that you can only get rid of by changing your mind set. Whether that means you see a counselor to help you deal with your emotions or whether you have enough will power to stop those negative thoughts about your parenting, that is up to you. Stop and think about the truth when you are faced with the lie of guilt. Replace that negative thought with what is true.
Let yourself be human. Your guilt sounds like it is for things that aren't really your fault. Let your child know that you love them, help them with schoolwork and make it important. When they are sick be there for them as much as possible.
Being depressed and sad when your kids hurt isn't abnormal at all. It is terrible to see bad things happen to the ones we love, but we can't fix the whole world. All we can do is be there at their side and let them know that they have someone in their corner.
Also realize that it is in the parent/child dynamic that you may not be appreciated for many years. Your job is to help them grow to adults and it is the hardest job there is in the world. You are going to make mistakes. Learn from the past but don't live in it. Your mistakes will help you to be better in the future.
I don't think you have a mental problem at all, but it might not be silly to see a counselor to learn how to better cope with it when you start feeling that way. At the very least it will be someone to talk to that may give you some suggestions and affirm what you are doing is right, maybe point out ways to better do what you want to do.
Guilt is not living up to your expectations of yourself.
You have no control over what grades your children get, whether or not they have diabetes or asthma.
Once you accept the fact that you are not in control and some higher authority is, you will stop feeling guilty.
Been there.
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